It has been 1.5 years since I left my corporate job after working for someone else for over 20 years. I thought it was a good time for some solid self reflection. HOLY $%*#! I clearly am a rip the Band-Aid off kind of person. It has been a heck of a doozy last two years for all of us. So many external factors we never could have dreamed of, killer virus, political upheaval, floods, fires, hurricanes, neighbors killing neighbors, kids murdered within the walls of their school, crisis after crisis, and throughout we have “experts” telling us to be resilient and display a mental toughness… which that gets old and tiring too. Plenty of days I have wanted to pull the covers of my head, but because of my very strong network of old and new friends I am still standing. Having a daughter who I need to show up for, helps my motivation too. And she add to the areas of my life where I feel like I consistently miss mark and can do better. Grace. Compassion. For oneself. Repeat after me. “Compassion for oneself.”

I can honestly say in the past 586 days there has been three ten minutes periods that I thought to myself, “oh girl you made a big mistake…, you should’ve kept that corporate job.” But then I talk with someone who is inspired by me, or tells me how unhappy they are, and those thoughts quickly go away.

I fight the fear…. Fear and Ego are the two big areas I am struggling with. My ego of what success looks like. And fear mostly that I will look back and realize what a financial disaster I made out of things. So my mantra board gets regular updates encouraging me to stay in the game and to remember how far I have come, and all the experiences I’ve had, and how strong and smart I am… ya know, all the things I coach others on… Hello…. “physician heal thyself.” That is why coaches need coaches. But the fear is real and it becomes the negative sound track that brings us down. We put in interventions to stop that fear (saboteur) in it’s tracks.

So on top of the giving up the security blanket (aka golden handcuffs) of Corporate life, I am now a Central Oregonian. Which although is only an 8 hour drive from the San Francisco Bay Area feel like light years away. I am adjusting and enjoying many of the people I meet, and I am having some cringe worthy moments when I realize this Jew from New York who moved to the country is out of her league. I knew what I was stepping into coming here, but I definitely didn’t realize how it would make me feel. I thought I could go about my business and enjoy my life without getting involved uhm no, I guess that isn’t me isn’t either. I reflect on what Brene Brown says about “self-righteousness” and “righteousness”, that we must fight injustices and inequities, but in doing so not think we are better than anyone else. Or something to that effect (she is highly eloquent). That has been really hard!! Side note, grab the book Atlas of the Heart, it was gifted to me by someone who knows me well, since I love it. And I don’t usually love ‘self help’ category books. My days looks so different. I drive 20 minutes each way to bring and retrieve my daughter from school. I get to relish in the peace of the drive. No highways, just gorgeous mountains, buttes, and valleys. We don’t go out to eat often (we used to do that at least 4 times a week). We don’t have play dates or park dates. I don’t have moms I meet and relate to (that was always a struggle for me, but even more so now). And there is less sun. Not sure how I missed the research on that one (I am going with it has changed with global warming like everywhere else), but I seriously suffer from SAD and there are a lot more gloomy days. Sunlamp is where it’s at.

Transitions are hard. And I am still in the thick of it. Like I said, I am clearly a rip the Band-Aid off person. No analysis paralysis here. I wanted something different and I got it. I hate to say it, but I think getting older makes the change harder too… I have a family now. I have other people beside me to “hold up”. In the past, when I would move around and try different things, my change in course didn’t impact anyone but me and I didn’t have that far to fall (I had the security of my parents… the privilege is not lost on me). Now the ego talks back to me more….

So I keep to my two core mantras, borrowed from who knows…. “Face the fear and do it anyway”, and “Regret the things you did, not the things you didn’t do.” These two things have kept me going since I was 17 and left for college and never looked back. So far it’s worked for me and I have the confidence to trust that it will keep working for me. Thanks for the vent friends.

I recently had a big growth opportunity. Yeah go me! I am learning. I was contracted by a smaller organization to do some discovery work. Ya know the usual, what is working, what isn’t, where can we improve, what do people like, what don’t they like, what do they need?… All the things that organizations who do not use engagement surveys need to hear from their employees, especially when there are signs like high turnover, lots of HR complaints, lots of scuttlebutt, and/or high absenteeism (to name a few easy to spot signs). Sidebar: If you are an organization over 25 I strongly recommend a mechanism to consistently (at a frequency, annually works) and anonymously obtain feedback. So back to my story…. I was contracted for this work within a culture that was new to me, an industry I wasn’t familiar with, in a community I didn’t know. So triple blind… but I know that the issues within organizations are people issues that span regardless of where you sit. I did my interviews with the questions approved from my contract and wrote up my report. My report was balanced. There were lots of wonderful qualities and characteristics people appreciated, enjoyed, and valued that could be capitalized on. And then there were some not great things that could be explored for people to have a more fulfilling, productive, and effective work experience. Ya know the stuff they probably new and didn’t, but the reason they hired me…..It was balanced – you will just have to take my word on it.

Now I get it… change is hard. It is really painful when you see the issues, black and white on the page. I coach people after they receive some tough 360 feedback and I have been the receiver of it. I get it. You wanted to know… but now that you know you may wish you didn’t. If it wasn’t right in front of you, you could still bury your head in the sand, making up all the wonderful assumptions that keep one the hero (or victim or whatever role you are going for). Reaction 1 to my report. “Great work, a lot of wonderful info here. Appreciate the insights and recommendations.” Reaction #2 a few weeks later I got the call… “Rachael I cannot speak with you professionally or personally until the dust settles on this. This work has ruffled a lot of feathers…I believe you did what we asked you to do, but people here have a lot to wade through and are pretty upset”. Uhm What???? I of course said what a consultant is to say… “I am sorry to hear that, thank you for providing the feedback, is there something I could have done differently…”.

But WHAT??? This kind of ego response to what employees are experiencing and the change they want to see, is why the organization and leadership are in place they are in. The work may seem overwhelming when you see all the concerns (but that’s why we have consultants….). The good news is, there is always low hanging fruit – and there was plenty of that- and the only way to go is up! That is what we call a growth mindset.

What I learned professionally.

1. I dodged a bullet. If this was the stuff people gave me after a 20 minute mostly phone interviews, what was further under the covers that sponsors were really going to freak out about? How much push me/pull me would I have experienced working with them?
2. The second dodged bullet. If this is how the leaders were going to respond to data, how would their egos get in the way of the real change that needs to happen?
3. Don’t price anything with the ‘hopes’ for tomorrow. I undersold my services, hoping that would get in me in the door for the future work. It was a strategy, but one for this type of discovery work I most likely won’t do again (unless the contract included doing something after we found out what was needed).
4. I am good at what I do. I delivered a balanced account of what I heard from the people I interviewed.
5. Recommendations were not in my original statement of work. But being the diligent and eager person I am, I put in a short page of areas they could focus on. Not all I could help with… some way outside my lane, so it wasn’t all self-serving. I won’t do that again… stay within the statement of work and allow for the next conversation.

What I learned personally.

1. I am so much more confident than I was 2 years ago! Yeah!! Old Rachael would have been crushed by this perceived set back and flogged myself for months about what I did wrong or swearing to never do that type of work again. Nope. Not this one.
2. I am living more in the present. I took what I could learn from this. Did a 15 minute lessons learned, obtained third party feedback and moved on.
3. I deliver messages in a way people can hear them. They may not have liked it, but they heard it. I am kind and direct.

This was a great lesson to have after a year in business for myself. I am so much stronger and have a great story. That is the beauty of experience. The only way out is through. And I am still standing firm in the game. This may just end up being one of my great appreciative inquiry stories!