It has been 1.5 years since I left my corporate job after working for someone else for over 20 years. I thought it was a good time for some solid self reflection. HOLY $%*#! I clearly am a rip the Band-Aid off kind of person. It has been a heck of a doozy last two years for all of us. So many external factors we never could have dreamed of, killer virus, political upheaval, floods, fires, hurricanes, neighbors killing neighbors, kids murdered within the walls of their school, crisis after crisis, and throughout we have “experts” telling us to be resilient and display a mental toughness… which that gets old and tiring too. Plenty of days I have wanted to pull the covers of my head, but because of my very strong network of old and new friends I am still standing. Having a daughter who I need to show up for, helps my motivation too. And she add to the areas of my life where I feel like I consistently miss mark and can do better. Grace. Compassion. For oneself. Repeat after me. “Compassion for oneself.”
I can honestly say in the past 586 days there has been three ten minutes periods that I thought to myself, “oh girl you made a big mistake…, you should’ve kept that corporate job.” But then I talk with someone who is inspired by me, or tells me how unhappy they are, and those thoughts quickly go away.
I fight the fear…. Fear and Ego are the two big areas I am struggling with. My ego of what success looks like. And fear mostly that I will look back and realize what a financial disaster I made out of things. So my mantra board gets regular updates encouraging me to stay in the game and to remember how far I have come, and all the experiences I’ve had, and how strong and smart I am… ya know, all the things I coach others on… Hello…. “physician heal thyself.” That is why coaches need coaches. But the fear is real and it becomes the negative sound track that brings us down. We put in interventions to stop that fear (saboteur) in it’s tracks.
So on top of the giving up the security blanket (aka golden handcuffs) of Corporate life, I am now a Central Oregonian. Which although is only an 8 hour drive from the San Francisco Bay Area feel like light years away. I am adjusting and enjoying many of the people I meet, and I am having some cringe worthy moments when I realize this Jew from New York who moved to the country is out of her league. I knew what I was stepping into coming here, but I definitely didn’t realize how it would make me feel. I thought I could go about my business and enjoy my life without getting involved uhm no, I guess that isn’t me isn’t either. I reflect on what Brene Brown says about “self-righteousness” and “righteousness”, that we must fight injustices and inequities, but in doing so not think we are better than anyone else. Or something to that effect (she is highly eloquent). That has been really hard!! Side note, grab the book Atlas of the Heart, it was gifted to me by someone who knows me well, since I love it. And I don’t usually love ‘self help’ category books. My days looks so different. I drive 20 minutes each way to bring and retrieve my daughter from school. I get to relish in the peace of the drive. No highways, just gorgeous mountains, buttes, and valleys. We don’t go out to eat often (we used to do that at least 4 times a week). We don’t have play dates or park dates. I don’t have moms I meet and relate to (that was always a struggle for me, but even more so now). And there is less sun. Not sure how I missed the research on that one (I am going with it has changed with global warming like everywhere else), but I seriously suffer from SAD and there are a lot more gloomy days. Sunlamp is where it’s at.
Transitions are hard. And I am still in the thick of it. Like I said, I am clearly a rip the Band-Aid off person. No analysis paralysis here. I wanted something different and I got it. I hate to say it, but I think getting older makes the change harder too… I have a family now. I have other people beside me to “hold up”. In the past, when I would move around and try different things, my change in course didn’t impact anyone but me and I didn’t have that far to fall (I had the security of my parents… the privilege is not lost on me). Now the ego talks back to me more….
So I keep to my two core mantras, borrowed from who knows…. “Face the fear and do it anyway”, and “Regret the things you did, not the things you didn’t do.” These two things have kept me going since I was 17 and left for college and never looked back. So far it’s worked for me and I have the confidence to trust that it will keep working for me. Thanks for the vent friends.
2 thoughts on “It’s been a year…(and a half)”
Once again you inspire me! Thank you for the raw honesty of where you stand. I am so in awe of that rip the band aid off approach. You are kicking so much ass!
Thanks Amber! Appreciate the boost of confidence. One foot in front of the other… Hope to see you out here one of these days!
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