Gaslighting. It’s really a thing?

I was not aware of this term gaslighting until about two years ago. Guess I was living under a rock…I kept hearing people refer to it in my circle of confidents, so I finally asked. It was hard to imagine that there was a term for what I experiencing. Like this happens to frequently enough that there is a definition?? Gaslighting: “to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.” Thank you Oxford Languages. Holy moly!! That is intense! You mean a colleague would or could do this in a corporate setting. Do they know this? Sounds like something that could only happen in toxic romantic relationships. Oh crap we can have just as toxic relationships with those we work closely with? I see a professional divorce in my future….Lightbulb moment!

I started thinking about my self-doubt. Why was this coming up for me again at this stage in my career? I was getting loads of positive feedback from those around me. More and more responsibility. Why was I feeling like an imposter (see Imposter Syndrome, still a thing). But there was another part to this. It wasn’t just that I couldn’t pick myself up by my bootstraps, or take feedback. It was a barrage of manipulation in thinking that I wasn’t seeing reality, that what I was perceiving was wrong and my intuition was failing me. Now I am not saying I don’t have things to work on, we all do. But when someone, usually a person in a level of powers, preys on those “areas of opportunity” to make you question your thoughts, perception, and judgement, that is where things take an ugly turn. Was my memory going? I certainly am older now, I do have child, which “they” say pregnancy brain starts at pregnancy and lasts until college. Maybe I wasn’t “getting it”. That is also what people who manipulate the situation say. “You don’t get it”. Maybe the Peter Principle hit here and I was out of my league? Although, evidence would not support that. How could I tease out my own areas of improvement and those of sabotage? I enlisted a team. First a therapist. Then a coach. Then some colleagues, good surround sound.

My therapist, who at one stage I was employing on a weekly basis, was working in overdrive reframing for me because I was so far down the rabbit hole of being gaslit (not sure that is a word), that I could not see clearly. – Side soapbox – self pay, healthcare needs to include appropriate mental health services. I started taking anti-anxiety medications to combat the constant barrage of negative thoughts that I hadn’t experience since my early 20s, the constant overthinking that I was doing something wrong because it felt like everything I did and thought was questioned. I can say honestly, I don’t believe (most) people know they are doing this. I think this is a learned behavior, a way of coping, a way people think they are appropriately challenging others. I don’t believe people maliciously say, “ohhh I can’t wait to gaslight Barbara at every step”. But, there is a sense of superiority and strategic manipulation that goes into making sure you always have the upper hand. That is why gaslighting is so dangerous.

When I decided to start this blog I had a long list of topics I was feeling passionate about from personal experiences. I am now having a hard time digging into that raw emotion. This is a good thing. We heal. Fitness is measured by how quickly you bounce back from a work out. How quickly your heart rate comes back down to normal. I am happy to report that in less than 2 months I am feeling back to myself. I am resilient. I have a high fitness level to heal myself. Although my child and this home schooling is still testing my patience, and confidence in my parenting skills. I am no longer questing in an unhealthy, pervasively compulsive way how I view situations, why I take certain actions, or over analyze every interaction. I self-reflect in a positive way to continue my personal growth, but it is not tied to my self-worth or sanity. We do heal, but do we need to be hurt to grow? Be kind to each other.

“Fake it till you make it”… What about “Own it till you make it”…?

Advice I have been given time and time again, and advice I have given.. “Fake it till you make it”, or “don’t let them see you sweat”. Good advice. You want to exude confidence. Please are drawn to those who are confident. Confidence is associated with success. This is problematic for me; my nature is not terribly confident (although I guessing putting myself out there with this blog would not support that observation). I am also an introvert. Confidence and self assurance are key competencies of Emotional Intelligence. All true. All well studied, but ‘times they are a changin…’ What I want to consider is how do we still let people be vulnerable, show genuine humility. The balance between hubris and humble is where it’s at. Yes we want to highlight our successes, not shirk away from shining, or be deferential to our wonderful strengths and strides. Women, this especially means you… don’t be sheepish of showcasing what you have done. But what if you haven’t done that? What if you aren’t sure how that goes? Do we fake that too? Or can we just say “I don’t know”, “I am uncertain”. Newsflash leaders, you don’t have to know the answer. That is why you hired the people around you. And emerging leaders, you cannot know. We hear a lot these days about a growth mindset. YES! YES! YES! We are moving forwarding, we are learning from our mistakes. We aren’t faking that the mistake didn’t happen. We aren’t faking that we know. We aren’t faking that every move we make was a strategic step. We are kind, we apologize, to ourselves, to others. We are learning. Nothing to fake. Own what you know and own what you don’t. Own where you stepped in it. Own the growth. Anyone who had a failure (this means you) I think you would agree that it (many) was one of your greatest learnings. Why wouldn’t you want to own that!!! To be vulnerable and share your learnings. To let people see that moving forward toward the goal is about having blow ups (unless of course you work with dynamite, then hopefully your blow ups are in simulations).

As leaders leaving space for others to say, “I don’t know”, role modeling this and sharing failure is a powerful approach. We talk so much these days about building a ‘Psychologically Safe’ environment – my quick definition is a place that let’s all voices feel/know that is it ok to speak their mind – but what about psychological bravery? How do we as individuals know it is ok to be brave to ask questions, to share ideas, to be uncertain, when the advice we have been given is “fake it till you make it”??? So let’s change the mantra. Don’t fake it. Don’t ever fake it (ahem)! Be brave and role model to signal to others that is okay. It will be contagious. Authenticity is contagious.

“Fake it” for some may be more about that positive self talk. And to that I say, yup keep it up! We know that having hope and optimism about our goal and ramping up that positive self talk helps us get to where we want to be, getting to wherever “make it” means to you. I am not convinced that is faking it, that is just giving yourself the boost and confidence to realize what you want.

Leaders and team members all have a common goal. Meet the vision of the organization. If you joined the organization, I hope you feel connected to the vision. If you don’t, you may want to examine that, but that is for another ramble… Leaders and team members both have a responsibility to ensure an inclusive, diverse in thought team. Leaders need to create the space and role model for team members to be brave. We don’t need to pretend to know. So let’s stop faking and start growing.

Happy Friday Eve!