41

Nope, that isn’t the number of blog posts I have written or Peloton rides I have completed. It is the age I am turning next week. My 30s were great! I got married. We traveled a ton. I had my daughter. I had $. I loved my career. My 40s are not off to the start I was planning for. My body hurts, I have more wrinkles – smile lines, whatever – way more grey hair than was the trajectory. The uncertain times we are all living in is exasperating my usual self-reflection and need for continuous self-improvement. The homeschooling is wearing. I was hoping that without having the stress of my previous day job I would be able to be more present, have patience, and provide my child with the attention and consistency that would benefit her. My motto of “do no harm” or “make different mistakes with my child than my parents made with me” does not seem to be happening. I wake up every morning knowing it is a fresh start and new day to be my best self, so I try. Some days I go to bed feeling good about the improvements and other days I know I could have done better. As this birthday comes around I am super glad I was able to celebrate turning 40 with great friends and lots of celebrations, because I am sorry for those born in 1980 (or 1990, 70, 60) since this will not be a great milestone year to celebrate. I know it is just a birthday, but I have always loved my birthday. I feel special without guilt. I was hoping that my 40s were going to be just as great or EVEN BETTER than my 30s. Age is wisdom. I am not afraid of aging, but I am afraid of reverting.

We are suppose to focus on the things we can control. What I can control right now is my weight. I regularly work out, eat well and drink less. This can turn into an obsession, so I must balance that. A slippery slope for me, although I am sure many would argue there are worse things to obsess over than ones health. I even got super vain and went to have my fat drawn on (I didn’t pledge a sorority since I heard that was a thing in the hazing process, although there were tons of other reasons I didn’t partake). But yet, I let my vanity get the better of me to see how much my savings would suffer if I had them cut that fat away. Trying desperately to find something I can control. Bottom line, not worth it to me, but you do you. I will prance around in my bikini with my gut hanging over and people saying, “wow that lady has confidence”. But the need for me to ensure my 40s are not worse than my 30s is causing me a lot of angst. I am sure it is a product of the times we are living in, but still it’s my birthday! Whaaaa.

So the good stuff about 41. I am still very happy in my relationship. After 16 years I still enjoy my partner and feel excited about us the same as I did when I first spied him. I feel highly confident in my abilities and what I have to offer to the world. I am pursing my passion (like this blog). My acne is under control – not a small feat. My husband and I decided to take the plunge and move out of state for a large plot of land and live closer to nature. I have a lot more peace than ever before. This is huge! This is age and wisdom at it’s finest. I like my family. I have awesome friends, and most of all I like myself. I acknowledge I am work in progress and I am good with that. I don’t feel like I have be getting to an “end point”. I am here, working on being my best self and that will never stop (well eventually it will when I die, but hopefully that drive for constant self-improvement will continue until then). Cheers to me and my birthday. Cheers to you and your birthday this year!

“Age is a matter of mind over matter. If you don’t mind it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain.