Kindness Is My Core Value (And I’m Not Always Good At It)

Kindness is my core value. I’ll say that plainly, and then immediately tell you the truth: I am not always kind.

I wish I could tell you I’ve got this one figured out — that kindness rolls off me easy, all the time, especially when it’s hardest. It doesn’t. There are days I snap. Days I’m short with someone I love, or impatient with a stranger, or just plain unkind in a way I regret the second it leaves my mouth.

But here’s how I know kindness is actually a core value of mine, and not just something I like the idea of: when I’m not kind, I feel it. A real sense of dissonance. Discomfort that sits with me, that doesn’t let me off the hook. That feeling is the tell. If kindness weren’t actually central to who I am, being unkind wouldn’t cost me anything.

So I keep putting it front and center. Not because I’ve mastered it, but because it’s who I aspire to be, and aspiration means you keep aiming even when you miss.

We’re imperfect. All of us. The goal was never perfect kindness — that’s not a real thing anyone’s achieving. The goal is: know better, do better. Notice when you weren’t kind. Feel the discomfort instead of explaining it away. Try again next time.

And here’s the part that actually matters: it’s easy to be kind when everything’s going fine. The real test — the one that tells you what you actually value — is what happens under stress. When you’re tired, stretched thin, defensive, scared. That’s when kindness costs something. And that’s exactly when it counts most.

I’m not writing this because I’ve got it down. I’m writing it because I keep trying, keep noticing when I fall short, and keep choosing to put kindness back at the center anyway. That’s the whole practice, as far as I can tell.

And here’s the piece I have to remind myself of constantly: kindness has to include yourself, or it’s not really kindness — it’s just another performance.

I can beat myself up over being short with someone for the rest of the day. Replay it, catalog it, tell myself I should know better by now. But that’s not accountability. That’s just being unkind to myself about being unkind to someone else. It doesn’t make me better at this. It just stacks a second layer of discomfort on top of the first.

Being kind to yourself in the process looks like this: notice you missed the mark, feel the discomfort (it’s information, not punishment), and actually do something different next time — instead of spiraling into a story about what it means about you as a person.

This is a lot of what we built into the K.I.N.D. Framework at BeKindLyfe. Kindness is the “K” — and it’s not the soft, conflict-avoidant kind. It’s constructive discourse, empathy, and direct communication, together. Kind, not nice. Kind enough to tell someone the truth — including yourself — and stay in relationship with them while you do it.

That’s the practice. Not performing kindness perfectly. Practicing it honestly, with other people and with yourself.