It has only been four weeks since I haven’t had to punch a clock. I confess, it has been shockingly easy to let go of what I did and the things that would get under my skin. I miss the people (most, not all, I won’t BS), but that is about it. I am not thinking about “what happened with that project,” or “or I wonder how that thing turned out.” Maybe I should be, but I am not. I am still excited about what the future holds, but a little bit of fear is starting to creep its way back in. I was able to hold it at bay being busy at the beginning… I had plans. Plans to write, new people to network with, figuring out the first-grade schedule, trying my hand at a few creative things, putting a plan (yes a project plan) for the skills I want to learn and sign up for classes. And now… insert finger tapping. I am not busy!! I feel like I am a bit in a holding pattern. I know I will take off, but the captain (that’s me in this lame metaphor) isn’t sure when. I picked up a book, love that Jeffrey Archer. Even read Animal Farm (timely, hint hint). I could say I am taking it easy, releasing myself of the rush, rush, and all that is true, but I am also having trouble finding my purpose. As the checklist is getting shorter I am not sure which way to go. I have always had a plan, even on vacation, when the plan was to let the wind blow us in whatever direction, it was still a plan.
“They” say having purpose is an important aspect to a happiness. One could argue my current purpose of being with my daughter “should” be enough purpose. Raising a smaller human, kinda important for the human race, although at this point I am not sure how welcomed back into society she will be – feral. Or all the other roles I play, loving wife, amazing friend, supportive sister, doating daughter (haha even that one makes me chuckle out loud). I don’t think what I am feeling is the lack of identity I have without my role or title, the ego bit, but I am definitely finding that I do need to connect with people in a deeper, more frequent way. That is my purpose. So much for thinking I am a textbook introvert. Apparently, I do get energy from others! I appreciate and enjoy my alone time. I can sit by myself (even take myself to lunch). But I need to share and process with others.
A beautiful friend text me last night, to say hi. It was perfect timing since she reminded me that just my presence is enough. Being is enough! How come some of us can’t let that be enough. Why is purpose so important to us humans? Back to that ego, the human condition. Thinking we are more important than we are. Some find real enlightenment when we really embrace we don’t matter in the big scheme of things. Sure, we matter to those whose lives we touch, but dare I say, there is no purpose. Could be the most freeing thing? For others of us, that notion is plain DEPRESSING!!! Why the chasm? Why can some of us be okay with “there is no meaning” and the others find that too depressing and we must always have purpose? Seriously I am asking….? Please don’t take this writing as a cry for help… “Rachael is depressed”, I am not. I am working on letting it wash over me and getting to that Buddhism (“it’s not what you think”) place.
I feel like that SNL skit, “and now for deep thoughts…”. This is what happens when I have too much time on my hands. For all of our sake, let’s hope I figure out what my purpose is and execute on it and get back to work! Happy Friday Eve!
One thought on “The existential question…. What does it all mean? Wow, I officially have too much time on my hands.”
Great thoughts, Rae! I have definitely felt the “lack of meaning” but then I read a blog by my amazing friend and realize maybe my purpose is to be a friend, a wife, a sister, and a dog mom. And most days, I’m perfectly okay with that. And on the days I’m not? I have an extra glass of wine!
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