A few days ago I came to the harsh reality that I am not gonna make it. Not in life, just on this massive “summer adventure”. Even more importantly was the realization I don’t have to. Quinn and I are on stop 8 of our 17 stop tour and I am throwing in the towel. We are making some changes. We will take a ten day break and go to Oregon to be with the husband and the dog. The hubs solidified a rental house for the six months while our house is completed. It will be a solid break in my own bed (well our guestroom bed, but close enough) to check it out and get settled. I feel like I am a tour with the band making a press release… “we are taking a ten day hiatus and will resume the regular tour schedule in Los Angeles, sorry to all the fans we will miss. We will hit your city at some point again”. Haha. I have a new found appreciation for those times my tour dates were cancelled. I feel you Duran Duran, you take care of you.

Here is some of the response I have received when sharing this change. In column A what not to say. “I was wondering how you were going to do all that.” “I didn’t see how you were going to juggle that.” “That did seem like a bit much.” “I really don’t know why you even wanted to do that…” In Column B what supportive people say. “I am glad you are doing what you need to do.” “I am happy you are taking care yourself.” “Good for you for recognizing your limits.” “Glad you are making a change before you hit a wall.” Be in the column B camp people.

I look forward to my full on retrospect when the summer is over, but here are the things that have been reinforced for me as of now and why I need a break. 1) 3 nights/4 days is the most I should be with people. Company and fish go bad after 3 days…Who ever crafted that statement was genius, I don’t know why I feel the need to test that rule. 2) I need breaks from people in between my three night rule. I cannot jump from person to person. 3) I really do need my husband. I am not 100% sure what it is about him, maybe just his calm presence, or the ease in which I can be around him and feel alone, but I need him. 4) I am not thrilled that I NEED MY HUSBAND! I will save that for a separate blog. 5) Staying in a hotel is easier. It might not be as simple, but in the long run more comfortable, especially if you can get the Summer Splash rate at the JW Marriott at Desert Ridge (highly recommend). 6) Grown ups (or maybe just this grown up) should not live with their parents. 7) Kids are rock stars! Way more easy going. Maybe we all need more temper tantrums. Throw a fit and move on. (No I don’t condone that, see prior blogs, but there must be something cathartic about how they outburst and seemingly move on). 8) Sleep on it! Don’t make a decision or say something to people, outside your trusted vent circle, in a moment of haste.

So with all these reinforced rules, that biggest lesson for me right now is to pivot. For the Friends fans, PIVOT, PIVOT, PIVOT. If something doesn’t work make a change. Don’t sit in your muck just cause you said you would. Find a new way to get what you need. I know it isn’t always easy (and I know relative financial freedom comes into play), but I have always listened to my discomfort and made a plan and a change because of it. I was talking to my bro-in-law the other night (PS I have the best brother-in-law, dare you to challenge me), and he was asking me how I moved to AZ from NY, how I moved to Spain, how I left my high paying corporate did, how I did xyz… and he said “I was a bad a$$ with ‘big ones’ “, which of course I thoroughly appreciated, but what I replied back is that I was so unhappy in whatever situation I was in when I made the big decision and then big plan. Listening to myself and knowing there was more out there for me then trying to wade through wherever I was trying to do. Don’t get me wrong, not everything was sh** at any of the life spots where I made a massive change, but I had enough discomfort that I knew change was needed. When I decided to move to Spain I was 22. I had a job out of college, traveling 2 weeks a month to random places and doing data entry the other 2 weeks. I was suffocating. I thought there has to be more to life at the ripe old age of 22 then continuing down this path, another job, maybe a husband (maybe not), day in and day out. I made a decision and started my research, plan, save, and go! 14 months later I was in Spain. I left behind amazing friends that never picked back up in the same way, but it was time for a new adventure. So I wouldn’t say I am a bad a$$, I would say “I listen to my unhappiness, my discomfort, and do something about it.” So once again here I am knowing something isn’t right and can make a change. And if that doesn’t work, well I will do something different yet again. Moving around is not an excuse to not do the hard self reflection work and find out what is going on inside that the discomfort is manifesting. I do that too. A LOT. Probably more than I should (read earlier posts on my anxiety), but if I can use all the tools in my toolbox including my surroundings, I would be foolish not to! The only constant in life is change. Might as well embrace the change. Take action when action is needed and not worry that it wasn’t the exact way we set it up. Growth mindset at work.

Hope you are having a good summer getting in some fun adventures whatever that means to you.

Can you set boundaries without hurting others? I believe you can. My view on this is it all begins with intention. If you understand what your intention is for setting the boundary it will be a lot to easier to communicate without hurting others in the process. Is your intention about wanting something for your life, or is your intention to ‘motivate’ (really manipulate) someone into acting a certain way or punish them. These are two very different intentions and yet I see many people blur them because they don’t put the energy and hard work needed to figure it out. Boundaries are good. Self protection is good. We all need to identify our limits, aligned with our values, and be clear with ourselves and others about what we need for our lives.

The descriptors I hear from clients when they have not been able to set healthy boundaries with their job, colleague, spouse, family, or friends is that are feeling ‘resentful’, ‘taken advantage of’, ‘railroaded’, ‘under appreciated’. This usually is a gradual process. You say “yes” to something you didn’t want to do, you give more than is comfortable, you are looking for something in return, you have expectations of others to follow the same norms as you do without getting their buy in, and then poof, you are angry. Anger is a strong one. A real motivator. It also is a heavy burden. As you have learned to sit in your anger pot it becomes really hard to try a different pot. It makes me think of the boiling frog analogy… starts warm, next thing you know you are boiling over; seething with anger. This is where things go south….

So how do you communicate your needs? Do you wait until your are boiled over and then emotionally vomit on someone? Do you explain why you need to make adjustments? Do you get input on how to jointing agree to boundaries? Or do you dictate and make rules that no one else has the playbook to? We all have arbitrary rules; some rules for these people, some rules for those, which in and of itself isn’t a “bad thing”. But how are you showing up and being kind and gracious to those you are stricter boundaries with. I will say, I am in full favor of boundaries! We do not have the same relationships with people, people are complex and come with their own stuff, so unless we actually say what we need, we are in the world of assumptions. If you follow my blog you have heard me refer to The Four Agreements. Never make assumptions… making assumptions is the base for the anger train. Right out of the gate, you and the other person are not on the same page, not playing by the same rules, as we are interpreting and imprinting our norms on the situation. Therefore, not truth.

I recently experienced a shouting match (yes literally a yelling match, apparently grown up people who are not married still do that), between two siblings who supposedly love each other. I would say they probably don’t, but feel they “should” have relationship because of their familiar bond. One person has a set of rules for how family should behave and the other has a different set of rules. Over their 40 year relationship communication was strained and tight about what one needed from the other, what one wanted for their relationship, but when one sibling “stepped out of line” to ‘slight’ the other, 40 years of anger, resentment, disappointment, hurts, came flooding out. Now, some would argue this type of outburst is 1) unavoidable and 2) cathartic. I disagree, and here is why. Not everything needs to be said. Sticks and stones break bones… and words will break hearts and minds. Bones heal a lot faster and (usually) back to their same function, hearts and minds do not. So did one really need to ‘go off’ on the other, I think not. And if we are sensing friction we have a choice. To let it continue and fester, is to become “resentful” and add to the anger pot. When we don’t deal with our anger, with our years of miscommunication, it becomes all that much harder to tackle. It is critical to healthy relationship and healthy boundary setting to be able to have the hard conversations when a situation happens.

How do you tackle crucial conversations with people in your life? Do you hope it will go away? Do you share your feelings real time? Do you make a conscience decision about the outcome you are looking for? Or decide to let it go and actually mean it? Is the relationship more important than your rules? If you can share with someone how you feel and make it about you, and not about the wrong doings you assumed the other person has done unto you, articulating your needs and setting boundaries will be smoother. If you can be brave and share your hurts and emotions setting boundaries won’t be an uphill battle and it will come from an intention of having loving, respectful, honest relationships.

I struggle with this. Triggers, old stories, and even a little good ole vindictive ego gets in the way at times. But I try. I keep trying to focus on my feelings. Focus on what I want; want from the relationship, want for myself, and want the other person to feel. At the ‘end of the day’ setting boundaries to ensure I focus on my intention, allows for self protection and accept with more love and less judgement those in my life.