I am finding myself in many different environments, with many different personality types of people and thought I would share my list of seven characteristics I find make a psychological safe space.

1. Thought sharing. The ability to speak your mind real time. To process out loud with others (a necessary function for extraverts) without concern about what the other party will say or do.
2. No judgement zone. The removal of fear that what you say or the choices you make will be met with ridicule based on someone else’s values.
3. Positivity. An outlook on life that there is more good in this world than bad, and an belief that people are coming into conversations with positive intention to support others.
4. Predictability. You can rest comfortably knowing that people show up consistently and you won’t meet Jekyll or Hyde depending on the weather pattern.
5. Gratitude. An overall appreciation for what is right in the world. For how lovely coffee tastes, how beautiful roses smell, how bright and warm the sun is.
6. Silence. The ability to sit in silence and not have to engage in dialogue.
7. Self-Reflection. The recognition that people are putting energy into their own personal development and identifying the part they play in communication and relationships.

What else would you add that makes it feel like a safe space for you? What do you value?

As I have shared a few times before, I struggle with anxiety and spend a lot of time in my head (one of the many reasons I love writing this blog). I try to be aware of when ‘psychological bravery’ is needed on my part. Not all environments are psychologically safe. So what do you do when you are expected to speak up but the environment isn’t ripe for it? You get brave! You weigh the importance, you weigh your values, you decide what you need. And sometimes that means taking a risk. Psychological bravery is about having confidence, having the psychological safe environment within yourself to be able to find your voice and take the leap regardless of how it is met. Being psychologically brave in an unsafe environment is scary, especially when you feel you have something to lose, like a job, a relationship, a status. Mostly the need to speak up is the disconnect between what you value internally vs. externally which gives you the confidence to be psychologically brave and engage.

I am more of flight than fight kinda person, which makes knowing when to find my brave shoes (or flip flops this summer) extra challenging. I usually tell myself it is easier not to engage as I usually don’t see the point. But is that the healthiest, maybe not… Does it help the future environment, maybe not. This is why therapists and coaches get paid… to help cultivate an environment methodically, instead of a rip the Band-Aid approach. I ask my clients what is the smallest thing you can do that will have the biggest impact (a very common coaching question). So what is the smallest you can do to find your psychological bravery when your values are telling you it is needed?

“The greatest measure of self awareness is when another persons behaviors do not impact your inner peace.” ~Unknown

A few days ago I came to the harsh reality that I am not gonna make it. Not in life, just on this massive “summer adventure”. Even more importantly was the realization I don’t have to. Quinn and I are on stop 8 of our 17 stop tour and I am throwing in the towel. We are making some changes. We will take a ten day break and go to Oregon to be with the husband and the dog. The hubs solidified a rental house for the six months while our house is completed. It will be a solid break in my own bed (well our guestroom bed, but close enough) to check it out and get settled. I feel like I am a tour with the band making a press release… “we are taking a ten day hiatus and will resume the regular tour schedule in Los Angeles, sorry to all the fans we will miss. We will hit your city at some point again”. Haha. I have a new found appreciation for those times my tour dates were cancelled. I feel you Duran Duran, you take care of you.

Here is some of the response I have received when sharing this change. In column A what not to say. “I was wondering how you were going to do all that.” “I didn’t see how you were going to juggle that.” “That did seem like a bit much.” “I really don’t know why you even wanted to do that…” In Column B what supportive people say. “I am glad you are doing what you need to do.” “I am happy you are taking care yourself.” “Good for you for recognizing your limits.” “Glad you are making a change before you hit a wall.” Be in the column B camp people.

I look forward to my full on retrospect when the summer is over, but here are the things that have been reinforced for me as of now and why I need a break. 1) 3 nights/4 days is the most I should be with people. Company and fish go bad after 3 days…Who ever crafted that statement was genius, I don’t know why I feel the need to test that rule. 2) I need breaks from people in between my three night rule. I cannot jump from person to person. 3) I really do need my husband. I am not 100% sure what it is about him, maybe just his calm presence, or the ease in which I can be around him and feel alone, but I need him. 4) I am not thrilled that I NEED MY HUSBAND! I will save that for a separate blog. 5) Staying in a hotel is easier. It might not be as simple, but in the long run more comfortable, especially if you can get the Summer Splash rate at the JW Marriott at Desert Ridge (highly recommend). 6) Grown ups (or maybe just this grown up) should not live with their parents. 7) Kids are rock stars! Way more easy going. Maybe we all need more temper tantrums. Throw a fit and move on. (No I don’t condone that, see prior blogs, but there must be something cathartic about how they outburst and seemingly move on). 8) Sleep on it! Don’t make a decision or say something to people, outside your trusted vent circle, in a moment of haste.

So with all these reinforced rules, that biggest lesson for me right now is to pivot. For the Friends fans, PIVOT, PIVOT, PIVOT. If something doesn’t work make a change. Don’t sit in your muck just cause you said you would. Find a new way to get what you need. I know it isn’t always easy (and I know relative financial freedom comes into play), but I have always listened to my discomfort and made a plan and a change because of it. I was talking to my bro-in-law the other night (PS I have the best brother-in-law, dare you to challenge me), and he was asking me how I moved to AZ from NY, how I moved to Spain, how I left my high paying corporate did, how I did xyz… and he said “I was a bad a$$ with ‘big ones’ “, which of course I thoroughly appreciated, but what I replied back is that I was so unhappy in whatever situation I was in when I made the big decision and then big plan. Listening to myself and knowing there was more out there for me then trying to wade through wherever I was trying to do. Don’t get me wrong, not everything was sh** at any of the life spots where I made a massive change, but I had enough discomfort that I knew change was needed. When I decided to move to Spain I was 22. I had a job out of college, traveling 2 weeks a month to random places and doing data entry the other 2 weeks. I was suffocating. I thought there has to be more to life at the ripe old age of 22 then continuing down this path, another job, maybe a husband (maybe not), day in and day out. I made a decision and started my research, plan, save, and go! 14 months later I was in Spain. I left behind amazing friends that never picked back up in the same way, but it was time for a new adventure. So I wouldn’t say I am a bad a$$, I would say “I listen to my unhappiness, my discomfort, and do something about it.” So once again here I am knowing something isn’t right and can make a change. And if that doesn’t work, well I will do something different yet again. Moving around is not an excuse to not do the hard self reflection work and find out what is going on inside that the discomfort is manifesting. I do that too. A LOT. Probably more than I should (read earlier posts on my anxiety), but if I can use all the tools in my toolbox including my surroundings, I would be foolish not to! The only constant in life is change. Might as well embrace the change. Take action when action is needed and not worry that it wasn’t the exact way we set it up. Growth mindset at work.

Hope you are having a good summer getting in some fun adventures whatever that means to you.