Actions Speak LOUDER Than Words

We know this. We heard these words in grade school. It is like the Golden Rule, the simple “truths” in life that we understand. When you say “I love you” but then don’t make me a martini, super clear cut… Action does not support the words used. Obvious example. I think when they taught us this in school is what to install a social consciousness, don’t just say you help people but actually help people, and you also don’t need to tell people you do…

But what about the more subtle nuances of communication. People’s facial expressions and body language can speak volumes. “I really want to hear what you think about XYZ” with a grimace on my face that would say they opposite. Or when you ask for my opinion and then continuously disregard it, I will quickly learn I am either a fool whose opinion is lame, or that you never really wanted to know. Either way the action will ensure I do not believe the words when said next time. And likely will translate that to other areas where I do not trust your words.

So much to think about when communicating….and a lot left open for interpretation. Little of it is the actual words used. Do you lean in? Are you distracted? Do you actual believe what you are saying? What are your eyes saying? Studies show that 70-93% of all communication is non-verbal (Mehrabian and Wiener, 1967). Actions are way louder than words, and no words can be deafening!

I am contemplating that “actions speak louder than words” is more about finding your authentic voice. There are many leaders who read a million books on “how to be an awesome leader” or books on “what makes a successful team”. They can conceptualize what they need to do to foster employee engagement, but in their heart of hearts they don’t believe it. They do not actually buy into garnering ideas from the team warrants a grander result, or when people are recognized they are more invested in doing great work. Some leaders know the studies, and will say “I appreciate you” or “tell me what you think about…”, but it is clear to the person receiving the message they are mechanically doing what they know they “should”. People are so much more in tune with emotional cues and reading through BS than we give each other credit for. This is one reason (of many) why emotional intelligence is vital for leaders – and well any human interacting with other humans.

Does it do more harm to ask the fake question and pretend you are being an inclusive leader and continuously disregard their responses? Or is it better not to ask? I say it is better not to ask. Don’t pretend you want to know. I think the greatest way to show up as a leader is to be your authentic self. To say what you mean, when you mean it, and don’t say what you don’t believe. We are all works in progress, so for example if finding your way in asking others their opinions and working toward incorporating those ideas may be not your usual go to approach, but you want it to be, share that with your team! Hold each other accountable. Let them know you want this for yourself and your team. Being authentic and brave in letting your team know what you are working on will build a trusting and cohesive team beyond the actual behavior you want to improve. At the end of the day how you act is what people will hear.

Is this thing on?

Does my daughter have a hearing problem? I better get that checked out… Nope, no hearing problem. I do not understand how I say “put your plate in the sink” three times with no action and when I raise my voice, miraculously I am heard. Then I am the mean yelling mom who no one likes, least of all the mean yelling mom. Is it normal to be ignored? Maybe she is learning that from me. As she is having her massive temper tantrum and I just stand there shaking my head up and down like I am listening, but not reacting she fully consumes the ‘no reaction or action’. I hear her, but cannot respond in any way that would not make things worse. I let her work it out. Sometimes that is just what people need; a listening ear with no action or response. Letting people work aloud what they need to, whether it is a tantrum, figuring out their feelings or external processing. Sometimes they are sharing something that maybe the receiver just need to hear and absorb later. The listening skill is to discern. Maybe you have to nod your head to show you are listening and other times you do need actively listen to really hear what is being said. With my daughter I pick which I can do in the moment. Temper tantrum – I am just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Although never should one be a “punching/listening” bag for anyone. I make the exception for my child because I somehow feel responsible for her tantrums…

Listening is hard. It’s active. It is work. You have to want to listen, not just allow the other person to speak and nod your head. People are smart, they can tell the difference when you are “creating space” to allow them their time, versus when you are genuinely open to absorb, consider, and reflect all they are saying. When active listening doesn’t happen or the environment doesn’t allow for all types of people to share, it leaves those in the interaction feeling dismissed. A sure fire way to result in limited engagement.

I recently was on the sidelines watching as the leader of the group, the facilitator of the conversation, had their biases, their agenda, their views, and clearly wasn’t interested in differing opinions or allowing the conversation to move in an alternative direction. After all there was an agenda to get through…We all know we “should” create an inclusive environment and allow for challenges and comments, but when the leader of the conversation does not allow that to happen, people are dismissed obviously or passively. Either way this is a harsh trigger for anyone who fought hard through inequities for their seat at the table, or have felt dismissed by bosses, peers, or others in the course of their life. Sticking to the agenda is not the way to ensure people are engaged. It was so painful (and awkward) to see smart people, with something to contribute, stifled, and then check out of the interaction all together.

When you ask people to voice their opinion, maybe they do and maybe they don’t, since it is highly dependent on the environment created. They say an organization should worry when their smartest people stop speaking up. True. AND if your quietest people find their voice to speak up, you may want to lean in and listen more. Usually what they are saying is to start the dialogue, to test the waters, and depending on the response they will either let what they said be enough or continue to provide information on their perspective. This is especially true for crucial decision making when the stakes are high and emotions are involved. I last served on a team where my voice was smaller. It was harder for me to share what I thought. But during a critical team decision I felt it was important to share my perspective. It was disregarded with a prompt rebut that I ‘had the problem’. Two others felt the same, but majority ruled. Two months later when my prediction became reality I was asked why I didn’t speak up at the time we made the decision. SAY WHAT??? I rolled up my sleeves and stood up taller and said “I did speak up, but what I shared was disregarded so I didn’t take it any further.” No ownership from the other person on the environment they create or that maybe they weren’t listening. The response was “I should speak louder” and “not be so quick back down”. Again, SAY WHAT??? As leaders and facilitators, there is a responsibility to hear what is not being said, to listen closely and invite more. Listening can be our super power. Lack of really hearing can be our demise. I encourage you to dig deep and think about if you really want to hear what those around you say or are you “creating the space” since you know you should.

“Listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard” – Harriett Lerner