My stepdad was a 28-time published author. He said no one creates when they are happy. (well he may not have been the original to say that, but this is where the concept drove home for me). He was a highly empathetic, soulful person, but worked hard – and probably drank too much – to tackle his demons and understand the simplicity and fragility of life. He was accepting that “none of it mattered” – not in a depressing way, in a, “we are given one life”, “it isn’t a dress rehearsal so make the most of it”, and “don’t sweat the small stuff”. He found a healthy outlet to channel his angst. Writing. Creating alternate universes, characters, and pushing the envelop of reality.

I sometimes wonder, as I lie awake at night and a million thoughts run through my head, and think, “oh that is profound,” “I must write that down,” “I sure hope I remember that in the morning,” and as the thoughts continue like a runaway train, I think maybe being bi-polar isn’t all that bad. Now this statement could be very hurtful to those suffering with it. My intention is not to make light of what could be a crippling disability. The debilitating low, the depression, the inability to control, is horrible. And yet the amazing art, writing, and creation that comes from the highs people experience I admit is enticing. This manic state when creating comes with a price, but so many great artists, writers, creators experience this zonal intensity that I find fascinating. I can understand why people who suffer with bi-polar and make something magical during their manic state do not want to take measures to stop those swings. The fear of losing what you are great at and what gives your purpose and meaning in your life can keep you in a state of depression. When you are lucky enough to find your purpose and passion that feeling is invigorating.

On the few times when I do get out of bed and put my thoughts to paper, it is usually something I am proud of the next morning and I am glad I did. For two reasons, 1) I never would have remembered in the morning – my mind is no longer a steel trap, more like a sieve. 2) I go to bed with ease, the train has parked for the night. It is clear why experts say journaling is healing. I don’t usually have the discipline to do it, but putting your thoughts down on paper, getting them out of the circular rotation in your head, and for some of my thoughts gives them less power, brings a sense of peace. Seeing them in black and white, I think, “eh that isn’t so bad.” I have gone back and looked at some of the journals I kept in high school – woo wee that was some dark days. I am sure writing them down saved me.

My stepdad wrote every day. Whether he needed to or not. As he got older and was with my mom for the last 23 years of his life, he wrote less. He was happy. Well, he was content. He didn’t have that same angst to drive him to create something magical. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to. He loved to write, he loved the characters he created, but it just wasn’t there. The well was dry. If you are interested in mystery/fantasy novels check out George C. Chesbro. One of my all-time favorites. 😊 I hope you find your passion and purpose with the same ferocity my stepdad did, but without the angst.

Happy Friday Eve!

“Nothing is as important as passion. No matter what you want to do with your be passionate.” ~ Jon Bon Jovi

When I set out on this new chapter I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I am humble enough to know I have a lot to learn. I have never started a job and knew how to do it, that would be boring. But holy moly there is a lot to learn and surprise, surprise I am not “acing” it on day 1. For context, I was not an “A student”, I am remarkably familiar with not being a star pupil, so I don’t think I have a complex of needing to be the creme de la creme. I left the “A” grades to my little sister. My daughter’s kindergarten taught them the mantra of “practice makes progress”. I love it. How warm and fuzzy, allowing our kids to not get frustrated or feel bad when they don’t know something out of the gate. I mean sheesh they are kids, they are just learning. Oh wait…. Does that apply to me too?? I know it “should”, but why is not knowing or not being great at something new such a huge blow to the ego!!!

A growth mindset is one where we look at our experiences not as failures, but focused on the things we are learning. If everything was easy, we wouldn’t grow. Awe, isn’t that so beautiful and positive! I really want to be that person who doesn’t feel bad and can look at situations as opportunities for growth, but man I am sooo tired! It is hard work to have to keep telling yourself that, on top of the learning new skills, when will it end! I just want to dive in, be amazing and comfortable, in my super performer zone. But low and behold it takes practice and patience. I know this in my head, so why can’t have a bit more compassion for my heart (and stomach ache)? When I was getting my masters I told my husband, “I didn’t like to learn.” To this day, that comment still gets a good laugh. I quickly restated that is it the act of learning through reading that I don’t love. New flash, adults don’t learn that way. But the bigger part I struggle with is that it highlights the stuff I don’t know. I value knowledge. Not having it makes me feel insecure. This, right now, is a perfect opportunity for me to reframe, I didn’t know the stuff before, and now I do… or know more. The growth mindset.

The funny part, or not so funny, more sad… is that when people around me don’t know something or are learning I have WAY more compassion for them (as long as they aren’t hurtful in their growth journey – although I try to empathize with what they are going through, but I am getting off topic). But compassion for myself when I am learning or trying something new… Nope! I am a loser who will never get there, who probably made the biggest mistake of her life, and should, blah blah blah… the negative stories continue. BUT NO! I am working (cognitive therapy, also hard) on re-wiring the very deep and rooted negative storylines in my brain to say “THIS, this is the growth mindset”. If I only did the stuff that came easy to me, well I don’t know what I would be doing, but it certainly wouldn’t be writing this (frightening and vulnerable) or being a mom (that scared the crap out of me), possibly still working at the Bagel Train on Route 59, that was a job that did come relatively easy; I still had my growing pains dealing with the general public, who PS are not always kind…There are millions of things I don’t know. I seem to be okay with not knowing how or why stars explode, although my husband keeps trying to teach me. I am not trying to boil the ocean with my knowledge, just the areas I am passionate about, so at least I have a box around it…I don’t feel bad about everything I don’t know (if that were the case I would never get out of bed).

So this is me, working on my growth mindset… challenging myself to learn something new. Every time I have done something challenging, it worked out. Not that it was easy, but to date I have little regret in life. I am more of the “regret the things you did, not the things you didn’t do,” kinda gal. I am beefing up on the positive self-talk. The positive mantras that are powerful to me, that empower me to keep going and have compassion. I have a vision, I have a plan, I have aptitude, and now I just need to keep the positive attitude and perseverance. When the growing pains become exhausting, I will keep reminding myself that nothing worth doing comes easy. I am not interested in a life of quiet desperation. I want to be pushing myself to try new things. When this time is over, I will be proud that I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to fulfill the vision I set for myself. I must get out of my own way and let the plan take hold to keep moving forward. We got this! Whatever you want from life, you are in the drivers’ seat. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

“We don’t grow when things are easy, we grow when we face challenges.” ~Joyce Meyer