As we start off the year many use this time for reflection and setting our intention for what is ahead. I am not a New Year’s Resolution kinda gal. I have the usual eat less, work out more, yada yada yada. I am more of an ‘all year round trying to reflect and self-improve’ kinda gal. One might say overly reflective and not living enough in the present. And because I have this monkey on my back named anxiety the ‘pulse of the emotional brain at work’ is ever present. So what do I do? I find myself constantly grounding to my core values. It is especially important for me if I am feeling unsettled, anxious, or less hopeful, to take a breathe and remember what I value. My core values are Kindness, Connection, and Integrity.

When I think about my values, kindness always comes to me first. I consider kindness as being friendly and considerate of others. Although it is one of my core values it doesn’t mean I am always kind. I am an imperfect human. But what it does mean is I try. I try to “do no harm”. I want to have interactions with people where they feel supported, listened to, can bring their honest self to our conversations. I want to foster an environment where I am calm, authentic, and am open to what people say. I don’t need to be the smartest in the room, but I do want to be a person who others feel they can share and connect with in a manner that makes them feel uplifted and positive.

I live with a six-year-old who is not very kind… she hasn’t found the value in it. It is soooo hard for me to observe. Although I believe I am modeling this behavior, she certainly has other influences. We discuss our feelings, the importance for me to be kind, the consequences for unkind behavior, but to no avail I still have a roommate whose behavior does not align with my strongest value. EEKS! What is one to do? Live with the dissonance? Get a divorce? Well, I can’t divorce my child… at least not yet. So, with my daughter I can’t do much except continue on my path of parenting someone I would want to hang out with. But what do we do when our values do not align to those we work closest with? The first step is being clear about what our values are. Do you know what your values are? Have you shared them with those around you? Do you know what the values of your co-workers are? Once you have that conversation, you can start down the path of bridging the gap, recognizing the compliments each brings to the team, the pros and cons of those values in different situations. Having a diverse group is where the best teams are made. This includes the diversity of what is important to us. We are looking at the topic/issue/opportunity through different lenses.

I invite you to take a few moments to sit quietly and complete your own value exercise. (If you need help let me know.) This becomes your ‘North Star’ for what your intention is as you move through life. It has helped guide me during times where difficult decisions need to be made. What decision, A or B, is going to be aligned with my values. What do I need more from in this situation? When our values are not aligned with how we are approaching life dissonance is created. For more on cognitive dissonance. I am fortunate that I have been able to make decisions and put my values first. I recognize that is not always the case. But being aware of the dissonance can help alleviate the pressure or feeling unsettled. Know thyself; one key component to leading an emotionally intelligent life.  

“It’s not hard to make decisions in life when you know what your values are.” ~Roy Disney

PS. I am pleased to report that since I drafted this, I have seen a dramatic shift in my daughter. I guess maybe my husband and my perseverance to parent a child we want to release into this world is starting to pay off. She is becoming more kind, thoughtful, gracious, and aware of how her actions impact others. I’m sure we are not out of the woods, but progress to start 2021.

Celebrating how far I have come, I do not do that enough. I don’t do that hardly at all. And I know I am not alone in that. We are so driven to move forward, to accomplish the next goal, to check off the next thing on our list, we do not spend time appreciating and giving ourselves the pat on the back we deserve for what we have done. A lifetime (well 41 years for me) of accomplishments, that quickly get dismissed because we have been wired to always be looking forward. Yes of course I want to focus on my goals and keep pushing myself to learn and grow AND I also need to harness the positive energy celebrating all I have done, all I have learned, and who I am today.

Part of what I learned in coaching is Appreciative Inquiry, which harnesses the most positive experience(s) in our lives to gather that feeling of why it was so awesome, why it had such a profound impact on us, and use that feeling, that energy, that confidence, to propel us forward. To be able to stand up and say I did that, without ego, but with pride, is powerful. This reflection exercise has given me courage to take a moment, look back and say “yes, I have done hard things and I know I can continue to do hard things.” I am not sure if it is a North American thing, a Jew from New York thing, a women thing, or just a me thing, as to why it is so hard to be proud of myself. If I pause to let the self applause settle in, I am bragging or letting my ego drive me, or worse resting on my laurels. I surely can find the balance in emotional self-regard to give myself some well-deserved credit….?

It has been 3 1/2 months since the last day of my corporate job. In the scheme of things, not much time at all. I have established a business with my focus on team building and coaching leaders in middle management, am halfway through an accredited coaching program, have written over 20 blogs, have reconnected with more people, and met so many new people I cannot even count. I have launched a group coaching program, have created proposals and workshops aligned with my values, and although I am far from my goal of having a lucrative business to support myself and family long term, I have done A LOT! I have shown myself I can do cool things. I have an outline for a book idea, I have found a partner to do correlational research. I am creative! That was a muscle I didn’t even know I had. I am certainly motivated. And in between all the business development during a pandemic, I have a healthy kid, a loving relationship, I have learned to cook a few things, and know I must have a career outside the home. Phew. “Take a breathe Rachael. Relish this moment and be proud of yourself.”

I invite you to join me in celebrating all you have done. Whether in this past bizarre year or an amazing thing(s) you have accomplished in your lifetime. I will be working toward starting every day with a focus on the good things that are happening, and then drift into where I need help or am still growing. Happy New Year! Cheers to you and me and all we have done (and all we will continue to do).