Two topics which consistently come up for people I speak to are, “ I have trouble with difficult conversations” and “I received feedback that I overshare my thoughts or feelings”. The first thing I say is “good on you for wanting to explore this” and “you are not alone, the struggle is real”.

Let’s start with difficult conversations. Conversations are “difficult” when the stakes are high. The investment in the relationship is high and the topic is meaningful, which is what makes them challenging. If you needed to give a stranger directions, not a difficult conversation. You want (not need) to discuss with your colleague a conversation the two of you had last week which is upsetting you, difficult conversation. This is a really hard thing… Giving feedback also falls into this category, see previous post on giving feedback. This is such an important topic there are tons of books on crucial conversations. Pick one up, they are super helpful. A difficult conversation for one person isn’t necessarily a difficult conversation for another. And not everything needs to be talked about. In our desire to share and ‘clear the air’ we feel this overwhelming urge to have a conversation. This is where the oversharing comes in…

We mistake oversharing for being authentic, being genuine and ‘not holding back’ or ‘being afraid’ to discuss things. We want to be authentic leaders. I want to develop authentic leaders. There is so much power in sharing ourselves and thoughts. Many of us have a fundamental desire to connect with others. And this is great. Empathy and bridging gaps go a long way in building trusting, long lasting, effective relationships, where great things happen. In our quest to be genuine we must dive into our own Emotional Intelligence. Emotional Intelligence is our barometer to know what the ‘right amount’ is. Of course, there is no exact science here, you need to know yourself, understand the other person, and read the situation. Easy right?? Not even close. For those of us who may be lower on impulse control and higher in emotional expression we tend to get caught in this ‘oversharing mode’. The triggers…knowing your emotions coupled with the desire to be heard, must be balanced with reading the room, anticipating the other persons response, and your greater purpose. Being authentic doesn’t mean sharing every life lesson, every thought that comes through your mind, your triggers, your emotions, or how you feel about something with those you interact with. Not everyone needs to know everything. You want to share or vent, chat with a friend, find a therapist, talk in the mirror, or meditate on it. At the end of the day, if we want to foster relationships, it involves another person, so it can’t be only about you…. Emotional Intelligence is at least 4 prongs (depending on what framework you like) and only one of them is purely about self. The rest involve others and your interactions.

When you are determining what to share or what conversations need to be had ask yourself these questions.

• What is my motivation for sharing?
• What is the outcome I want from this conversation?
• What information is going to serve the outcome I desire?
• How do I want the other person to feel in this conversation?
• How do I think the other person will react with this information?
• How will this serve the relationship I am trying to foster?

My 6-year-old asked me what I was writing about. I told her it was about helping people communicate openly and kindly to each other. She asked if she could help and of course I said yes. Her contribution. “You are yourself. No one can control you but you.” ~QBW

Happy Friday Eve!

If you want to talk more about Emotional Intelligence, your approach to difficult conversations, or ‘oversharing’, send me a note.

My daughter barged into my room shouting “My wish came true! I was good when the cleaners came!!” I love her random enthusiasm; it the complete opposite of me. The good news when she flew in, I was just ending a Peloton ride, so I was in a good mood to dive into this with her. Heaven help the person who interrupts my ride with ten minutes left while I am in a flat out effort! But timing was with us and I was able to catch the wave of her excitement with my endorphin high. What I found fascinating about her statement was two things. First, I didn’t realize this was a wish, or a goal. Truth be told it wasn’t. She didn’t know the cleaners were coming. BUT she was reflecting on how her morning went, and was proud of herself for being “good” while the cleaners were there. She did what she needed to do, and was proud of a “thing” she didn’t put all this advance effort of planning and identifying finish lines. She was right, she should be proud. I loved that she was able to positively appreciate something and share it with others like it was the best thing since sliced bread. It wasn’t the end of a goal, or a project, or some big milestone we set. It was a win. And she wanted to celebrate it. As if behaving for two hours should get an award… well no, but the energy in which she brought this profound statement to me, was contagious and reminded me to celebrate and acknowledge all the “good” stuff, not just the areas we invest all our energy in striving toward.

The second reason this struck me was the word she used. Her ‘wish‘ came true. Now maybe she doesn’t really know what a wish is, but in her growing mind a wish is something she effected, something she is to be proud of. Usually we think of words like ‘wish’ and ‘hope’, are softer, less empowering, taking the action orientation away. Removing the individual ability to do something about it. But not for her. To wish for something is the same as having a goal and taking the bull by the horns to make it so. She didn’t wish it and poof it happened, she had this idea that she needed to “be good” and she knew that she had to take some action to make it happen. Maybe the passivity of the word wish is changing. Maybe thanks to Disney and their empowerment that even princesses need to make changes if they want change, is actually sinking in. Maybe she is just wise enough at 6 to know that a wish is something you really want for yourself, and the only way to get what you want is to make the pathway yourself. Or maybe she really doesn’t have a clue.. certainly a solid possibility. But I am going with my interpretation and my opportunity to reflect.

The point of my ramblings are 1) Bring explosive energy and celebrate everything, even the things that may seem small, they might be huge hurdles for others, and they don’t need to be on the master plan for our future vision. 2) Wish: State out loud what you want and then go get it. Make it so. The power is within you. Happy Friday Eve!

“Wish it. Want it. Do it.” ~Brian Griffin