I know we are all doing our best. Really I do. Imperfect me too. This has been a hard year, a test of resilience, a herculean effort to maintain our mental health, an undertaking of responsibilities none of thought we would ever encounter, and unimaginable isolation that social humans are not meant to endure. But can we please remember in the immortal words of Seinfeld’s George Constanza “we are living in a society”.

Here is my story…

Good news! My elementary aged daughter is back in school. Woo hoo! She started the week after my husband and I came back from a stressful meeting with our new home builder. Good stress.. still stress… My mom was here to stay with her. Not stressful at all after a year of being just the 3 amigos….(that’s my sarcasm coming through). Don’t get me wrong I am thrilled she is going back. Am I scared? Yes. Does she need to go for the social interaction and for us to get some space? Yes. Will I miss her? Unlikely, in the 2.5 hours she is gone, I’m not sure I will have the opportunity… nonetheless it is a change. Change always brings on stress. There is really no way to get around it. Of course there are ways to cope with the stress (many books on how to manage stress), but you cannot avoid it.

My nerves are fried here people! I am on edge big time, doing all I can to keep it together, for myself, my family, and be my best self for my clients and new partners. (I am new to the independent thing. I feel I have a reputation to build and live up to… no pressure, right?!).

So here how’s the morning of the first day goes. We drop her off. Tons of cars, everyone figuring it out, high energy, the police are there to help monitor (all good, but anytime I see flashing lights I get edgy). All goes according to plan at drop off. She is nervous and excited. Hubby and I, nervous and excited, trying to keep a calm state so we don’t feed off each others energy. I drop the hubs back at home and go pick up my groceries. Side note: Drive up and go is my new normal. I have found COVID as a great excuse for me to never step foot inside a grocery store again! Silver lining. As I drive home, I am stopped at a light in my suburban 90k person town, in a lane which goes straight and also turns right. Sadly for the gent behind me, I am going straight. I wasn’t intentionally being a jerk so the car behind me couldn’t make a turn on red. It must be frustrating to have to wait the minute for the light to turn green since there isn’t enough space between my giant SUV and the sidewalk. You know what I am talking about…And I get it, I have been the behind car, rolling my eyes and the moron who just can’t move over… But, I couldn’t move over. He starts honking. I can’t go anywhere. He slams on his horn again… Still don’t know what I am suppose to do. He gets out of his car… this is where it takes a turn and I freak out a bit, because now there is one less piece of armor between him and I… I lock my door (I’m a nervous nelly), and he starts banging on my trunk. I nudge up a bit, so he knows I am not hard of hearing, but I literally can’t go anywhere, or else I’ll be in the intersection! He bangs his fist on my car some more!!! What am I suppose to do!!!??? I’m sitting there like a lame duck, hoping I don’t become a road rage statistic. The light turns green and I am off… Fortunately he made his right turn and didn’t follow me….OMG!!! “Okay Rachael, relax, it is over, he didn’t follow you. It is done.”

I walk in the door, my husband takes one look at me, and asks “what happened?” AND THIS IS WHERE I LOSE IT!!! Weeks (likely months) of pent-up angst, emotion, uncertainty of how to handle my own sh** came flooding out. I was ugly crying. The kind where you are shaking, and the tears just won’t stop. I get a solid, warm, protective, much needed hug from the hubs (good man he is). I do finally pull it together. I am not still ugly crying 4 weeks later…

Moral of the story. 1) Cry – It feels really good! It helped me to start to move past the stressors (even good ones) of the prior weeks, and the traumatic experience I just had. 2) Don’t forgot to be kind to each other. We are not faceless bots moving through life not caring or being effected by each other. The gentleman may likely have been going through something, and I want to empathize with that. But wow, taking it out on me was not the way to go. Have patience. Lead with love and positive intention. “We are living in a society people!”

Two topics which consistently come up for people I speak to are, “ I have trouble with difficult conversations” and “I received feedback that I overshare my thoughts or feelings”. The first thing I say is “good on you for wanting to explore this” and “you are not alone, the struggle is real”.

Let’s start with difficult conversations. Conversations are “difficult” when the stakes are high. The investment in the relationship is high and the topic is meaningful, which is what makes them challenging. If you needed to give a stranger directions, not a difficult conversation. You want (not need) to discuss with your colleague a conversation the two of you had last week which is upsetting you, difficult conversation. This is a really hard thing… Giving feedback also falls into this category, see previous post on giving feedback. This is such an important topic there are tons of books on crucial conversations. Pick one up, they are super helpful. A difficult conversation for one person isn’t necessarily a difficult conversation for another. And not everything needs to be talked about. In our desire to share and ‘clear the air’ we feel this overwhelming urge to have a conversation. This is where the oversharing comes in…

We mistake oversharing for being authentic, being genuine and ‘not holding back’ or ‘being afraid’ to discuss things. We want to be authentic leaders. I want to develop authentic leaders. There is so much power in sharing ourselves and thoughts. Many of us have a fundamental desire to connect with others. And this is great. Empathy and bridging gaps go a long way in building trusting, long lasting, effective relationships, where great things happen. In our quest to be genuine we must dive into our own Emotional Intelligence. Emotional Intelligence is our barometer to know what the ‘right amount’ is. Of course, there is no exact science here, you need to know yourself, understand the other person, and read the situation. Easy right?? Not even close. For those of us who may be lower on impulse control and higher in emotional expression we tend to get caught in this ‘oversharing mode’. The triggers…knowing your emotions coupled with the desire to be heard, must be balanced with reading the room, anticipating the other persons response, and your greater purpose. Being authentic doesn’t mean sharing every life lesson, every thought that comes through your mind, your triggers, your emotions, or how you feel about something with those you interact with. Not everyone needs to know everything. You want to share or vent, chat with a friend, find a therapist, talk in the mirror, or meditate on it. At the end of the day, if we want to foster relationships, it involves another person, so it can’t be only about you…. Emotional Intelligence is at least 4 prongs (depending on what framework you like) and only one of them is purely about self. The rest involve others and your interactions.

When you are determining what to share or what conversations need to be had ask yourself these questions.

• What is my motivation for sharing?
• What is the outcome I want from this conversation?
• What information is going to serve the outcome I desire?
• How do I want the other person to feel in this conversation?
• How do I think the other person will react with this information?
• How will this serve the relationship I am trying to foster?

My 6-year-old asked me what I was writing about. I told her it was about helping people communicate openly and kindly to each other. She asked if she could help and of course I said yes. Her contribution. “You are yourself. No one can control you but you.” ~QBW

Happy Friday Eve!

If you want to talk more about Emotional Intelligence, your approach to difficult conversations, or ‘oversharing’, send me a note.